The Final one - Its time to Bog off

The Lecture

The Bribery of the Mini Eggs Scandal.

With this being the last tutorial of term and also the day after the biggest Piss up of the year (Longest Day) i'm surprised anyone turned up. What is more surprising is that Geneen may have known this and bought along mini eggs to Bribe the students who did turn up to come nearer the front!!!

Well i was having none of it i can tell you. I had just chomped my 2nd Peperami Firestick and there was no way i was mixing a handlfull of chocolate with that. My arse would heve been making a flash presentation of its own and i doubt if i'd be getting top marks for that.

The rest of the lecture centered on Copyright issues. it seems we have to be very carefull who'se work we use on the webpages we create. If i take a picture of someone with my camera and my media card and my batteries and my finger on the button it basically means squat. Unless i have permission then i cant use it for anything.

What if i have had a few too many spoonfulls of cabbage for dinner and my bum tells me it wants to let out a sneaky 'trouser cough'? Does this mean i can march up to anyone who has sniffed it and demand that they give it back? Can i charge royalties for it? Why not? After all its my ass, my farts, i made it etc etc.

Tenner a sniff sound reasonable?

Sounds really crazy dosn't it.

But the world is going mad i tell you. Does anyone else think the world has gone a bit too far with all this Political Correctness Crap.

I mean come on - children divorcing parents, police spending £20000 on chasing a driver who is eating an apple!!, murderers getting new lives in Australia so nobody will give them a hard time.

When will common sense take over and the insanity stop. I am a father with a 7 year old daughter who i bring up quite strictly regarding what is right and wrong. I will continue to do this as she is an example of me and my wife just as i am an example of my parents right up to them disowning me that is.

One thing i have learned though is that i am off to Singapore on holiday because apparently you can pick up as much software as you want for a fiver.

Thanks Geneen for that - if i havent learned anything from your lectures this year then this one bit of information has stuck.


The Tutorial

This week we looked a creating a splash page. The page should contain:-

• A motion tween.
• A shape tween.
• A webpage title.
• A picture graphic.
• An Audio clip.

Once we had all these files then we could publish it to create the html and swf file formats. The n we put it all into Dreamweaver and got it running.

Mine - total crap, but whats new eh.

Well look on the bright side i have been given another piece of coursework from our lovely understanding lecturers, so that makes 6 pieces all to be given in just after easter holidays.

Holidays - my ass.

I may as well pictch a tent on the Ty Cranshaw lawn.

The Reflection.

Well this next few weeks i will be locked in my study, trying to scrape bare passes on the 6 pieces of coursework i have to do. I started the year with so much enthusiasm with asperations of aspiring to work as hard as i could to get 2.1's and firsts. Now i just want to scrape through.

Is life in the real world like that then. Will i have the chance to aspire to be great or will i have to settle for just good enough and mediocre.

I thought i came back to university to better myself and try to reach as high as i could. I realise that in the real world i will have to look at things a bit differently.

I also realise that things will be different when i am working in a Company and i will have to be more mature and grow up.



Here then is my idea of what working life will be like for me when i have scored my Dream Job



Work - Day 1. Multimedia Developer

As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POO is inevitable. For those who hate pooing at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

CROP DUSTING
When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY
The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooing. Walk in and check for other pooers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom

ESCAPEE
A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK
When forcing a poo, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poo hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poo has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALKOF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOER
A colleague who poos at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooer enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooer before entering the bathroom.

THE POOING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooing goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Pooers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS
A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooer of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR
Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking andvulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poo at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH
A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooer can poo in peace.

WATERMELON
A poo that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion.
See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELETTE A case of diarrhea that creates series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TED A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poo when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

Day 2............if there is a day 2.


Im sorry but you'll never change me, i am what i am. Have a good year and be happy. Im off for a sneaky trouser burp and i may charge you for it too....


....

I didn't say that your honour.........oh yes you did...let me show you!!!

The Lecture

In this weeks lecture we moved onto Audio Media material. We looked at the mulimedia Palette and discussed the role of sound in multimedia in general.

We discussed the problems and the limitations of incorperating audio into our web designs and also looked at the relative file sizes and the effect these huge files can have on the usability of our site.

I had a look at home on some tips and tricks sites on how to incorporate snazzy sounds to my pages and came up with the following links.

Audio link.
Moviewave site

The moviewav site was awesone and i have had some fun trawling through looking for my favourite sound themes.


The Tutorial.

This week we played around with a new piece of software called Audacity. This is a sound editing software package that allows you to record and manipulate audio snippets ready for future use. The sound snippet we had was a recording of two lecturers voices introducing themselves and a nasty crackle within the recording.

Our task (if we wished to undertake it) was to join these introductions and get rid of the crackle to make a smooth sounding track.

Well this was done in matter of a few minutes and then boredome set in. To which i then started fiddling with the various filters and effects to which you could apply to the sound file.

It goes without saying then that i managed to make Daniels voice sound like he was:-

1 On Helium.
2 On Cannabis.
3 On Speed.
4 On the bog (echo and grunts)


So cool then - i can manipulate sound tracks and pretty much make them sound as i like.



Personal Reflection.

What have i learned then. Well i can manipulate sounds and place them into my web space for future use. I went home from the lecture and started recording sounds from around the home and then tweaked them using my evaluation copy of Audacity.

So after a while of fiddling with this i started to wonder about the ethics of this.

What if someone recorded me talking and then manipulated my words and altered my sentences to say something completely different.

I constantly get disclaimers on the phone saying that my conversation is being recorded for customer satisfaction reasons and to provide a better service in the future!

I soon realised that my recorded sentences could be used as evidence in the future if i wasn't carefull. This really worried me.

On researching this i found out that a number of utility companies are using sound recording to illegally trap their customers into contracts with them.

These companies record your conversations and look for keywords such as 'yes' and 'no' and then apply them to statements that they ask to trick you into a new contract.

Again i have found a dark side to the multimedia revolution and all its gains.


It seems that big brother is not only watching you, he is listening to you and recording everything you say too.


I'm off for a crap...........................Why is there a microphone in the bogroll holder i wonder????



ss out.

Scheduling!!!!!!!!!!!!!eat my ass.......................

The Lecture.

I was ill this week and could not attend - (stomach bug) on researching the subject it was just a follow on from last week on text and fonts.

One thing i have to shout about this term is the state of the scheduling of our work. We have had a long period of complete inactivity for the last month and now i have been issued with four pieces of heavy assignments in one week!!!!!!! This is a complete piss take. Why we have our assignments spread evenly across the term time. Its crazy and its causing a lot of stress amoungst the other students.

And before someone pipes up and says "Well if you read your prospectus it says you are expected to allocate 40 hours a week for your study time" i know this, and do so, sometimes to the detriment of my home life.

For example the last assignment i completed was a 30 hour piece of work for computer systems. I actually took approx 50 hours to complete this as i took a great pride in my work and subsequently achieved a 2.1 mark. Why then do i feel dissapointed with this grade? Well as i sat at the front of the class on the hand in of the assignment i noticed something really bad.

Students were handing in their assignments and i'm not kidding you, some of them were nothing more than 2 or 3 pages of A4 stapled together with a scribbled name on them???????

I could read the lecturers facial expression as this crap was handed in to him. It must be sooo easy for him to gauge who will pass and who will fail this coursework by the quality of work given to him.

My work was 31 sheets spread over 4 sections and a bibliography, all bound in a document holder with backup cd rom in case of any accidents. I worked my nuts off on it too as i wanted a good first grade to set up a foundation for the next 2 courseworks.

Why am i pissed off then???

Well with the volume of coursework that has been thrown at me this week i will have to make tough decisions to which assignment is going to take the most of my time.

One piece will have to take the hit for grades for another and that to me is not right. I want to try to get as high a grade as possible on all my work not pick and choose what work i think will scrape a pass and what work will gain good marks.

Then i was told from a senior lecturer that the object of year 1 was to get onto year 2 and the marks didnt really matter as long as you passed!!!!!!!!

So why dont i just allocate equal time to each assignment then in the hope of just scraping a 40% on all.

This seems wrong to me - if the scheduling of coursework was equal then it would not happen.

Rant over for now.


The Tutorial.

We were on dreamweaver again this week. I am getting frustrated with the teaching methods though! First let me point out Andreas is awesome. If theres an issue then he is very supportive and knowledgable. My point is that in my opinion the tutorials are not set out correctly.

We are given a paper worksheet to get on with and any problems we are expected to pipe up to Andreas. Ok thats fair enough but can i make a suggestion on another teaching method.

USE MULTIMEDIA NOT
MULTI PAPERSHEETS

Why not set the tutorial up on the computer that is linked to the projector screen. Actually then do the tutorial sheet step by step with all the students following on their computers.

• Visually it would be so much more effective.

• It would save the lecturer sooooo much time in having to go round each student one by one with problems.

• Think of the paper mass saved each week.

• You will get a better attention span from the students too.

Please feel free to comment on this idea.




The Reflection.


Well this week i feel that i have been fairly negative, but i feel my comments are warranted.

The module title is Multimedia Computing and i expect to learn a range of multimedia tools and techniques to enable me to go out into the real world and earn big money.

I am not going to go out into the real world after learning all this and start using a pencil and paper again!

If that was the case then we would all be driving around on horse and carts after spending all day designing Porsches wouldn't we.

Off to make some brown soap....................SPLADOOOOOOOOSH , get round the u-bend baby!!.

Big Gay Fonts!

The Lecture

This weeks went a lot better (it couldn't go any worse could it?) Even my mate Matt had a smile on his face although it may be down to his lovelife changing for the better (True Love).

So lets move on to another set of small characters - Fonts.

Daniel this week spoke to us about fonts and their design and useage.

We learned about weights, width, thickness, length and ones with curly ends. It sounds like an interview for a porno film doesn't it (calm down Nia and Natalie!!!)

Long gone are the days when you had only Times New Roman or Courier to use. Now you have thousands of different font designs available.

You have also different classes of font each with subtle variations that can produce markedly different effects and designs. Fonts can display anger, movement, funny, shouting, script and many other emotions too. You can even get 'Relational Fonts'

I wonder then if you can get Gay Fonts? and if you can would it look like this.

There thats my first font design done. I named it Blue Oyster Bar 18 pt.

And before anyone starts accusing me of being a homophobe, Im not. I know loads of gay people and at least one of them is ok!

Anyway back to the plot. Fonts need to be structured on the page sensibly. Their alignment needs to be pleasing to the eye and easy to read. Too much crammed in will simply push the viewer to hit the home button. Likewise too little, making the viewer constantly scroll down or to the next page.

I have viewed some really bad sites in my time and it is no coincidence that none of these are in my favourites folder.

A valid point though is that not everyones machine may have the font you are using. I have spent hours in the past making a page look good in a document only for an older machine to take my hard work and reproduce it in a dinosaur font like Suckass 10 pt!

We as developers need to consider where our designs are going to and make sure that we can happily port them onto everyones machines.


The Tutorial.

More Dreamweaver again this week. We used our layout tools and Css styles to create a pseudo web page with a heading 'Here is some Lovely Content' There was nothing lovely about my content though. And i had to remap my drive space again as it had dissapeared!

I have downloaded (legally honest!) a dreamweaver dummies guide which i am going to read chapter by chapter until i get it right. I would like also to have access to this space from my home based pc. This will enable me to carry on with the tutorial in the house.

For the past 2 weeks no-one in the class has been able to finish the worksheet in the 1 hour time slot. This is a real ball ache as i cant then finish it at home as i cant access my drive space. Help please. If i need to set this up please tell me as i will do it.


The reflection.

After the tutorial i did a little test with different fonts in the house.

I made a picture containing words made of fonts that would appeal to children and adults alike. My daughter Paige then came and had a look at them and told me which ones she liked.

My Observations

• She loved the ones that looked like smarties and skittles.

• The scripty curly ones were boring.

• The thick ones were boring too.

Then i asked my wifes opinion.

• She also liked the smarties and skittles typeface.

• She didn't like the thick ones (a female thing - avoid all things fat)

• She liked the scripty curly fonts as it maked the text look important and sophisticated.

I will over the next week or so make two fonts especially for her -

• Psycho Bitch italic 12 pt
• You aint getting any tonight 14 pt extra bold.

Even the dog had a look, but she was more interested in the custard cream on my mousemat.



I'm glad my daughter takes after me, although i dont know where she gets her cheek from?


See u next week as i'm off to produce some brown curly fonts of my own in the bog.


Oi ..........where's my f****** biscuit gone? .............Bastard dog!!!!

ss.

NightmareWeaver.

The Tutorial

This weeks lesson started with a new topic - Dreamweaver. It all started good, the instructions were laid out fine and the topic was really easy to follow. Then i couldn't follow them at all. I couldn't find one of the options and due to a typo, my web page wouldn't load. It turned out that there was an issue with the tutorial sheet as it was constructed for a previous version of Dreamweaver and the lab's pc's are running the later one. I found this very frustrating as at first i thought the problem was me (again) and its a good job that Andreas was there to fix things as i would have been in this mess all day.


The Lecture

This week Daniel talked about the role of text within multimedia. We looked at the rules of point sizes and how they work in relation with eachother on a document. I have to admit i thought point sizes meant the size of the font. I didn't know that they actually mean the physical space taken up on the page instead. That was an eye opener. Then Daniel moved onto how as developers we will have to be carefull how we make a webpage. If we have no knowledge at all of the subject matter and have to produce a website for a paying customer it may all turn ugly as the designing we do may be out of sync with the content. I also found out that Daniel wants to start an Elvis Funeral Business!!! Oh My God.

Here are some popular Elvis Songs for the wake.

• CROSS MY HEART AND HOPE TO DIE (oh sh*t i did!!)

• CRYING IN THE CHAPEL (Tight sod didn't leave me a bean)
  

• NEARER MY GOD TO THEE (Only if youve been good)
  

• SHE WEARS MY RING (The bitch)
  

• THE LAST FAREWELL (Until the enbalming)
  

• THERE'S NO TOMORROW (Not where he's going)
  

• THEY REMIND ME TOO MUCH OF YOU (And they aint angels - you work it out)
  

• THINKING ABOUT YOU (Wait till you read the will, Bitch)
  

• THIS IS LIVING (Are you taking the piss?)

• THIS IS MY HEAVEN (How do i get this coffin lid open?)
  

• WALK A MILE IN MY SHOES (Not as if i need em now is it?)
  

• WAY DOWN (This hole in the cemetary)

• YOU'LL NEVER WALK ALONE (Now you've remarried you bitch!)

• IT KEEPS RIGHT ON A-HURTIN' ( You shut the coffin lid on my pecker!!!!)

• INHERIT THE WIND - it is a well known fact that corpses can fart for up to 72 hours after the time of death!!!!
  

There we are Daniel. If you need any more i can keep them coming.

The Reflection.

When i am usung a software package i need to make sure that the relevent documentation is for its version. With software companies though this may be hard. We have Adobe CS3 at the moment. Theres a platinum version of this, an enterprise version of that. Version 8, 7, 6, 11..... Its a never ending spiral with only one benefactor - the software companies themselves. I mean are you going to upgrade your development software suite to the latest version every year? And what for? maybe a few extra icons and a different colour background. No wonder illegal filesharing has become the norm. I will be spending some time over the next few weeks playing with dreamweaver in the house in my spare time and in uni time. It looks good. Just need to buy the right book for it though.

ss out.

Its all Crap Really...................

The Tutorial.

This week Andreas had us working with photoshop again but this week we linked our work to a different colour background.

One was yellow and one was red.

We manipulated a picture and overlayed it with text so that the picture took on the texts form. I chose to have my text underlayed with real flames and it looked pretty swish.

Then we took our text and placed it onto a colour background. My text then looked pretty sh*t.

Looked even worse on the yellow one!!!

The lecture.

Daniel talked this week about HTML and how we will need to set our web pages up in a logical format when we produce them.

We looked at validation through a website that takes our pages and marks them to its own standards.

When i make my webpage i will have to look into this as it can easily turn into a visual nightmare.

I have always tried to stick to a logical set of rules when i write test and produce reports. This is to make sure the script seems balanced and the text flows. I learned this week that there are a set of standards that we can use for the web too.

The reflection

I will have to keep a careful eye on my web pages in the future. I dont want to make a page that is hard to read and puts the viewer off in the first look. My page will undoubtedly be full of crap then but at least it would look pleasing to the eye.

It seems you can polish a turd then!!!!!

ss

Week two of the new year............. Only 50 weeks to christmas....

The Tutorial.

This week Andreas gave us some artwork in photoshop that consisted of a clock face, a keyboard and some valves. I got to mess with the layers that these items were in to have a finished picture that overlays itself and looks really cool.

One problem though to me is keeping track of all the different menus on the screen. You need a map just to find all the options and a memory like an elephant to know how to use them in the future.

They say practice makes perfect. Well i'll be perfect in about 20 years then the way i'm going.

The Lecture

Daniel spoke to us today about icons. I believe i am an icon. The reality is that i see myself completely different to everyone else.

In life today everything has an icon.

So what is an icon then. It is a graphical representation of something real.

An icon can also be used for an instruction. We saw a number of different icons that depicted the same thing, which was a car diagram. Each icon though was from a different person or perspective ranging from a complex car drawing to a childs scribble of a car.


The Reflection.

Graphics are taking over the world. They are everywhere. They are supposed to make our lives easier, faster, smarter - but do they. I watched a film last week set in Japan and everything is a mass of flashing lights and pictures depicting the physical object. Does this mean that as humans we are getting too lazy to read text? What will happen in years to come then? When will it all end? Imagine a newspaper with no text just pictures!

I think the world is turning into a very impersonal place to live in. Email is a good thing but it does cut out the human interaction between 2 people. Also people can hide behind emails and become instant keyboard warriors. I have seen this and it is sad.

I like meeting new people.

I like talking to people.

I like hearing people talk.

I like experiencing things that heighten my senses and produce a surge of adrenaline.



Imagine then a world where you get a picture of the place, the person or the food instead of the real thing.

That, my friend feels like a prison to me.

Thats me finished then as i'm off for a

ss