The Lecture
The Bribery of the Mini Eggs Scandal.
With this being the last tutorial of term and also the day after the biggest Piss up of the year (Longest Day) i'm surprised anyone turned up. What is more surprising is that Geneen may have known this and bought along mini eggs to Bribe the students who did turn up to come nearer the front!!!
Well i was having none of it i can tell you. I had just chomped my 2nd Peperami Firestick and there was no way i was mixing a handlfull of chocolate with that. My arse would heve been making a flash presentation of its own and i doubt if i'd be getting top marks for that.
The rest of the lecture centered on Copyright issues. it seems we have to be very carefull who'se work we use on the webpages we create. If i take a picture of someone with my camera and my media card and my batteries and my finger on the button it basically means squat. Unless i have permission then i cant use it for anything.
What if i have had a few too many spoonfulls of cabbage for dinner and my bum tells me it wants to let out a sneaky 'trouser cough'? Does this mean i can march up to anyone who has sniffed it and demand that they give it back? Can i charge royalties for it? Why not? After all its my ass, my farts, i made it etc etc.
Tenner a sniff sound reasonable?
Sounds really crazy dosn't it.
But the world is going mad i tell you. Does anyone else think the world has gone a bit too far with all this Political Correctness Crap.
I mean come on - children divorcing parents, police spending £20000 on chasing a driver who is eating an apple!!, murderers getting new lives in Australia so nobody will give them a hard time.
When will common sense take over and the insanity stop. I am a father with a 7 year old daughter who i bring up quite strictly regarding what is right and wrong. I will continue to do this as she is an example of me and my wife just as i am an example of my parents right up to them disowning me that is.
One thing i have learned though is that i am off to Singapore on holiday because apparently you can pick up as much software as you want for a fiver.
Thanks Geneen for that - if i havent learned anything from your lectures this year then this one bit of information has stuck.
The Tutorial
This week we looked a creating a splash page. The page should contain:-
- A motion tween.
- A shape tween.
- A webpage title.
- A picture graphic.
- An Audio clip.
Mine - total crap, but whats new eh.
Well look on the bright side i have been given another piece of coursework from our lovely understanding lecturers, so that makes 6 pieces all to be given in just after easter holidays.
Holidays - my ass.
I may as well pictch a tent on the Ty Cranshaw lawn.
The Reflection.
Well this next few weeks i will be locked in my study, trying to scrape bare passes on the 6 pieces of coursework i have to do. I started the year with so much enthusiasm with asperations of aspiring to work as hard as i could to get 2.1's and firsts. Now i just want to scrape through.
Is life in the real world like that then. Will i have the chance to aspire to be great or will i have to settle for just good enough and mediocre.
I thought i came back to university to better myself and try to reach as high as i could. I realise that in the real world i will have to look at things a bit differently.
I also realise that things will be different when i am working in a Company and i will have to be more mature and grow up.
Here then is my idea of what working life will be like for me when i have scored my Dream Job
Work - Day 1. Multimedia Developer
As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POO is inevitable. For those who hate pooing at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.
CROP DUSTING
When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.
FLY BY
The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooing. Walk in and check for other pooers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom
ESCAPEE
A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK
When forcing a poo, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poo hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poo has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALKOF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOER
A colleague who poos at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooer enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooer before entering the bathroom.
THE POOING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooing goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Pooers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVENS
A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooer of your sex entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR
Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking andvulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poo at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH
A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooer can poo in peace.
WATERMELON
A poo that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion.
See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELETTE A case of diarrhea that creates series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using Camo-Cough with an Astaire.
UNCLE TED A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poo when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
Day 2............if there is a day 2.
Im sorry but you'll never change me, i am what i am. Have a good year and be happy. Im off for a sneaky trouser burp and i may charge you for it too....
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